"siapkah kau tuk jatuh cinta lagi?"

it was valentine's day

i only spent my time in my room

watched gita and paul's vlogs

also some of their song covers

one of the covers just got my attention

siapkah kau tuk jatuh cinta lagi?

and it made me thinking

are u that ready to fall in love again, ken?

the last relationship i had with a person,

that was full of manipulation and toxicity.

such a great power to make me doubt myself

is it worth enough to fall for someone,

and prepare yourself to be hurt again?

sometimes i love the idea of being loved by someone

it was such a lovely thing and i am pretty sure people need that.

but at the same time,

i wonder, do i deserve to be loved and start a relationship with a person?

will it be a waste of time for a person to be with a needy one like me?

what if they lose themselves like the last person i met yesterday?

the last relationship i had,

it got me thinking,

whether people really love the idea to spend their time with me,

or they are just lonely then destroy me as the reason why they lose themselves.

i remember what rupi kaur says on her book

people will hurt you,

they will come into your life to taste you

they will get everything you have to offer,

and when they have taken your secrets with them,

when they realize how much of storm you have and how much it hits them.

they will start losing every fighting bone in their body and leave you,

saying "you will find someone better than me."

and after all this time,

i already know what the answer is.

no, i am not that ready to fall in love with someone.

i am not that ready to prepare myself getting hurt for hundred times.

i am not that ready to let someone find out about the storm in me

and watch them leave saying some stupid reasons i have heard before.

i have become so damaged, broken, and ruined

that when someone show me the things that i deserve,

i choose to assume them as a liar.

i choose to deny everything as my coping mechanism.

nobody loves you with their pure heart, ken.

whether they only use you to play the game they've made,

or they only need you when they don't have anybody around them.

no one is kind enough to rearranged the breaking pieces in you

so stop letting people making it worse.